Mark 12:44-44

I've been working at Vision Ministries. It's a place where they have all kinds of food, clothes, housewares, toiletries, etc. that they give out to people who can't afford to buy those things. They work with the poor and homeless in Denton, to make sure they have the things they need and that they feel they are noticed and taken care of. Yesterday was my first day to actually get to see the "clients" and go pick out the clothes and things for the families. A young man and woman came in with an adorable 1 year old boy and a tiny premature baby boy, probably the smallest baby I've ever seen outside a hospital. I sat and talked with her about her kids, and she told me that they don't have any coats or sweatshirts for them. She also has an 8 year old boy, a 9 year old boy, and a 4 year old girl. The boyfriend she was with just lost his job, and they don't have any money to go buy coats for their kids. As I left her and went back to the warehouse to grab some clothes, I probably had 100 things roll through my head. I pulled together the warmest outfits I could find for each, put them in bags, and just prayed that somehow God could make them fit longer and feel warmer than they should. After I gave her the clothes, they thanked me and started to leave. Then she turned around and asked if they could come drop off some clothes that their older kids had outgrown. She said they couldn't use them anymore, but she really wanted them to be able to help someone else the way she had been helped. I told her of course that would be wonderful, and thanked her for her generosity. I was honestly just shocked that she would be so willing to give out of the very little that she had to make someone else's kids warm and happy. My heart felt really full after meeting her.

I've always liked Oprah. I like that she gives and gives to people. I like that she gives to soldiers and their families. I like that she gives opportunities to girls in Africa. Oprah is the richest African American in the 20th century, and was the only African American billionaire in the world for a time. She is worth over 2.7 BILLION dollars. She has her Angel Network, raising over $80 million for nonprofits around the world, she raised $11 million for Katrina victims, and she opened her school for girls in South Africa. She has money, and she does amazing things with it. Then today on Kidd Kraddick in the morning, they were describing the new house Oprah is buying. More than 30,000 square feet, $68 million dollars, and just for herself.

Now maybe she plans to put hundreds of orphans in all those extra rooms, but I doubt it. And I have no reason to tell Oprah what to do with her money or her home, and I don't really care to. But it made me think of the story in the Bible where everyone is in the temple and all the rich men are unloading huge offerings on the altar, showing just how much they can afford to give. And then the little old widow comes in and puts down 2 coins that don't even equal a penny in our time. Jesus tells his guys that this lady has given above and beyond what the rich men did, because they gave out of their excess and she gave out of her poverty. She gave everything that she had, praying and hoping and believing that God would provide for her. Oprah gives millions and millions of dollars to help people, and that is amazing and wonderful. Oprah also gives with enough left over to spend $68 million on a home that she'll probably have to explore for a week just to see every room. The woman at Vision Ministries yesterday had a heart to give out of her nothing. She gave what she couldn't really afford to lose, understanding the depth of joy and peace it would bring to someone else. So I used to really admire Oprah, but now I kinda think Misty, the girl with no money and 5 kids and a heart for giving, is who I'd rather try to be like.

steps is coming

hmm..blogging. blogging is such a wonderful way to waste time and organize my brain.
I'm fixing to start step studies at the village. terrifying? yes. the thought of spending the next few months digging up memories and feelings that I've buried scares me. I buried those things for a reason. there are things I don't want to remember and people I don't want to forgive. steps is going to force me to look for things I don't want to find.
but...at the same time, I know I need this. things just haven't been great lately. there's this terrible wedge between God and me. it's there because I haven't wanted him more than I've wanted to be angry. hate and anger and resentment have become very comfortable places for me to live. but God isn't interested in my comfort. he wants more than that for me. he never wanted me to live under all this...cloudiness. he wants light for me. beauty, life, fullness, joy, those are the things he wants. those are the things I want, and I need to let him move me out of my own way so he can get me there. I'm really praying and believing that steps with help me get there.
well...that's kind of what has been in my head all day.

I'm a slow learner..

If you were to straight up ask me if I struggled with idolatry, I would probably say no. But I've been learning over in the past few months and especially the last week or two just how wicked my heart is.

I have a bad habit of building up lots of things to rely on in my life that aren't God. Actually it's not a bad habit...it's a sin, and its one that my heart is really bent toward. But God really has a way of stripping me of all those strongholds at the same time, exposing my heart for what it really is and drawing me back into him. (Hosea 2:14)

I have always put a lot of stock into the people around me, but in the last year I've seen most of my support system shift. Parts have fallen to pieces completely, others have simply changed. The dynamic of my family has changed dramatically, but praise Jesus, I have wonderful parents who continue to love and support me no matter what is going on.

I lost the support of my lifelong church family. I had been slipping away from there since junior high, but it wasn't until the last 2 years that I was able to see it for what it truely was...which isn't anything like what church should be. That shook me up more than I could have imagined. I never thought that a place I considered home for 15+ years could turn so cold and be quick to throw me out and lock the door.

Most recently, I lost a relationship that meant the world to me. Breaking up is always hard, but my heart has never hurt this badly before. It's painful and scary when the person who knows me more than anyone is just gone. I poured two years into a relationship that all of a sudden doesnt exist anymore and, honestly, I'm terrified. My heart is just plain broken...and I feel scared and sad and unprotected. (Psalm 147:3)

So, all in all, the last year or so have been a near constant struggle between me building up my support system and God trying to pull it apart to refocus me on him. (Psalm 51:8,12) Now I'm not saying I don't need a system of people surrounding me and supporting me, because I very much do. I believe everyone does, that's a part of living in community like Jesus taught us to. What I'm learning is that if the basis of that system is anything other than God, it will absolutely break. And that breaking is painful. And for people like me who feel the break and scramble to recover without Christ at the forefront, the breaking happens over and over again. (But in ways I am thankful for that, because being in a place where God doesn't respond to your sin and allows your heart to freeze up is a terrifying place to be.)

So now I'm back to the stage where my attempts to create strength and structure for myself have failed miserably, and I'm left with the options to try once again to create things on my own that I have no ability to accomplish, or jump into my Father's arms and trust that his foundations are stronger than mine. To put aside my fears and hesitations and rely on what I KNOW about God instead of what I FEEL in my weak moments (which come too often). I want this time to be different for us (Jesus and I), and I want him to change my heart so I don't start this cycle again. Thankfully, he can. And he will. And I'm pretty sure he's already started.

being sick is so boring.

So, as I sit here, sick for the third day in a row, I'm blogging again. I don't know if I'll ever blog when I'm well, but at least its entertaining for now.
Here's a problem with being sick: I had a huge list of things to to do this weekend...and how many did I check off? Zero. One of the many things I was supposed to accomplish this weekend was to find an outfit to wear on my Valentine's date. So instead of real shopping, I did some online outfit making, mostly at Anthropologie. I think this combo is my favorite. If only I were able to go drop hundreds of dollars on this next week.

Maybe this black, ruffle-hemmed jumper dressWith this ruffley, floral cardigan...very girly and Valentine's-ishAnd these 50's style, neutral pumps. And I am usually not a big into jewelry (I love the look, I just don't like wearing it) I wouldn't mind adding these earrings.

Now this little ensemble would cost about $562...yikes.

Oh well, at least I can pretend to be wearing it. And hopefully I'll find something similarly cute before next weekend rolls around.

the joys of parenthood.

I have taken care of babies for years....and Oscar is absolutely more of a challenge.

This is Oscar...

my 5 month old puggle (pug/beagle mix).

I love this dog very much, but he is a wild animal. Always jumping, always chewing, always playing with everything in my room except his toys. Potty training was honestly not as hard as I had anticipated, he got it down in less than a month and has been accident free since the end of December. But, his wild puppy ways have made puppy class at Petsmart a necessity.

I had been looking forward to puppy class for 2 weeks, and the day finally arrived. Thursday at 7:00, I drug Oscar through the store to the training ring where 6 other pups and my new favorite man in the world (trainer John) sat waiting for us. Oscar quickly became acquainted with the dog sitting next to us, a boxer named Jake. When I say "became acquainted" I mean, Oscar and Jake got into a fight so intense the instructor had to pull them apart and separate us in opposite corners of the room for safety. So obviously, we're off to a fantastic start. For the next hour, Oscar proceeds to run from one end of the circle to the other, doing flips and kicks, attacking every other dog, yipping and barking, pawing and wrestling, and just being a huge nuisance to everyone in the class. And I may have been embarassed and apologetic about this behavior, but I was ecstatic. Within the first 20 minutes Oscar was panting!! I have NEVER seen this dog be tired enough to pant. We take 2 walks daily and never walk less then 2.5 miles each time, but Oscar is just never worn out. All I could think about was how well Oscar was going to sleep that night, and with no school for me in the morning I knew we would be sleeping in. And we did..it was heavenly. I wish puppy class was every night.

Here are a few more Oscar pictures.

This was taken the day I brought Oscar home in November. He was so cuddly and sweet back then.Oscar modeling his Christmas sweater. adorable.And finally, a picture of Oscar with my sweet cousins from Montana. They loved him, but he was a little bit terrified.