I'm a slow learner..

If you were to straight up ask me if I struggled with idolatry, I would probably say no. But I've been learning over in the past few months and especially the last week or two just how wicked my heart is.

I have a bad habit of building up lots of things to rely on in my life that aren't God. Actually it's not a bad habit...it's a sin, and its one that my heart is really bent toward. But God really has a way of stripping me of all those strongholds at the same time, exposing my heart for what it really is and drawing me back into him. (Hosea 2:14)

I have always put a lot of stock into the people around me, but in the last year I've seen most of my support system shift. Parts have fallen to pieces completely, others have simply changed. The dynamic of my family has changed dramatically, but praise Jesus, I have wonderful parents who continue to love and support me no matter what is going on.

I lost the support of my lifelong church family. I had been slipping away from there since junior high, but it wasn't until the last 2 years that I was able to see it for what it truely was...which isn't anything like what church should be. That shook me up more than I could have imagined. I never thought that a place I considered home for 15+ years could turn so cold and be quick to throw me out and lock the door.

Most recently, I lost a relationship that meant the world to me. Breaking up is always hard, but my heart has never hurt this badly before. It's painful and scary when the person who knows me more than anyone is just gone. I poured two years into a relationship that all of a sudden doesnt exist anymore and, honestly, I'm terrified. My heart is just plain broken...and I feel scared and sad and unprotected. (Psalm 147:3)

So, all in all, the last year or so have been a near constant struggle between me building up my support system and God trying to pull it apart to refocus me on him. (Psalm 51:8,12) Now I'm not saying I don't need a system of people surrounding me and supporting me, because I very much do. I believe everyone does, that's a part of living in community like Jesus taught us to. What I'm learning is that if the basis of that system is anything other than God, it will absolutely break. And that breaking is painful. And for people like me who feel the break and scramble to recover without Christ at the forefront, the breaking happens over and over again. (But in ways I am thankful for that, because being in a place where God doesn't respond to your sin and allows your heart to freeze up is a terrifying place to be.)

So now I'm back to the stage where my attempts to create strength and structure for myself have failed miserably, and I'm left with the options to try once again to create things on my own that I have no ability to accomplish, or jump into my Father's arms and trust that his foundations are stronger than mine. To put aside my fears and hesitations and rely on what I KNOW about God instead of what I FEEL in my weak moments (which come too often). I want this time to be different for us (Jesus and I), and I want him to change my heart so I don't start this cycle again. Thankfully, he can. And he will. And I'm pretty sure he's already started.