steps is coming

hmm..blogging. blogging is such a wonderful way to waste time and organize my brain.
I'm fixing to start step studies at the village. terrifying? yes. the thought of spending the next few months digging up memories and feelings that I've buried scares me. I buried those things for a reason. there are things I don't want to remember and people I don't want to forgive. steps is going to force me to look for things I don't want to find.
but...at the same time, I know I need this. things just haven't been great lately. there's this terrible wedge between God and me. it's there because I haven't wanted him more than I've wanted to be angry. hate and anger and resentment have become very comfortable places for me to live. but God isn't interested in my comfort. he wants more than that for me. he never wanted me to live under all this...cloudiness. he wants light for me. beauty, life, fullness, joy, those are the things he wants. those are the things I want, and I need to let him move me out of my own way so he can get me there. I'm really praying and believing that steps with help me get there.
well...that's kind of what has been in my head all day.